2020

Everyone is ending the year with the exact same sentiment - 2020 was shit.

This year has challenged each of us in different ways, and forced us into a way of living so far from what we as humans are used to. A global pandemic really does change your perspective on things.

I have spent this year sleeping, working, eating, then sleeping again. I have seen so little of my loved ones, spent so little time doing things I enjoy, and have probably grown a lot because of it. There are very few positives I can take from this year, other than the fact that I will never take life's pleasures for granted again. 

In 2020 I got my first freelance role, worked all the way through the pandemic and all of its lockdowns in the NHS (no saving lives, unfortunately, but plenty of clinical letters) and got a first in my second year of university. These are my biggest and only achievements - and that is okay. Work was my only distraction and is what kept me sane in a year when I really could have crumbled. Studying for uni, working part-time, writing freelance and for my blog, journal and more recently with a football website has allowed me to maintain a respectable amount of sanity. I have had my fair share of down days, too.

The overriding feeling at the end of this year is relief, but this is quickly greeted by an overwhelming thought that 'this really isn't over yet'. With vaccines on the way, there is a certain amount of hope in the air, but as the new COVID-19 strain engulfs the UK and other countries across the globe, and as my city plunges in to Tier 4, it is easy to feel pretty rubbish this New Year's Eve. 

I'd normally be off to a club tonight with my boyfriend, watching him perform, celebrating a happy year and welcoming another. This year, I'll be getting an early night as to avoid any form of acknowledgement that this is an eve to be celebrated. What is there to celebrate when this year has stolen so much - so many lives?

Sometimes I feel quite proud with how I have coped this year. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being sad enough. Sometimes I feel so awful that I can't imagine how we're going to get out of this mess. Special occasions this year have been similarly emotionally turbulent, with my 21st birthday in lockdown being a constant conflict between gratitude and sorrow. Christmas was lovely in its own way, but it really wasn't the same. 

So, what now? 2020 is over, but all of this continues. We cannot go in to the New Year hoping for a fresh start, because this awful situation is following us until we can all get that special COVID potion in our arms. My goal for 2021 is to (hopefully) have more fun. It could be a while off, but I want to DO more. Working hard is good for some things, but I really do miss the complete spontaneity and excitement of having social plans. I miss going to football games, having meals out, days out, holidays, live music,  being in a full lecture hall. I won't get my hopes up, because 2020 has taught me not to, but i'll be quietly and respectfully optimistic that next year, things will get better.

More than anything, we just need to stay safe and healthy. Life will come back to us and we will be held by our loved ones once again, but we have to do the right thing first and foremost by following the guidance and being safe. 2020, you've been the worst. 

Happy New Year x

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